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Happy Habits for Relationships
Romance is a way of expressing your love, the icing on the cake. But don’t wait for special occasions to express your love. Make sure you nurture your loving relationship by practicing these basic habits in your daily life. This seems very basic, but how often do you practice? Don’t despair… it’s never too late to adopt good, loving habits.
Most of the couples who come to my counseling practice because of problems report that their marriages have lost love in the past. It’s easy to feel romantic when you’re apart and dating each other, because every moment together is special. From the moment you start living together, such romantic moments are no longer automatic. Instead, most of your time together is spent on more mundane things: laundry, laundry, paying bills, or going to work. Although it may be new, exciting and fun at first, once the initial novelty of living together wears off, those everyday things stop feeling exciting and romantic, and you may find the yourself worrying that your partner doesn’t care as much or as excited to be with you.
Developing these good relationship habits can make a big difference in your happiness.
Good Relationship Habits
1. Don’t resist, listen.
We often have a negative response to what a spouse tells us, or wants to do. Instead of responding negatively, “That won’t work…” “We can’t do that…” Try listening and thinking for a few seconds. You may know your first answer changes, and anyway, listening and understanding are not the same as agreeing. When your partner feels that you care about what he has to say, the nature of the communication will change for the better.
2. Ramp the sweetness.
Married life has its inevitable stresses and strains. To keep things in balance, we need to put a little energy into increasing the sweetness between us. Mindfulness, ‘thank yous’ and gestures of respect and affection are the WD-40 of your marriage. Say “I love you” every day. Keep things smooth by remembering to add a spritz of sweetness every now and then. You’ll be surprised how much better you feel, and how much more responsive your partner is.
3. Kiss good-bye and hello.
Hugs while you’re at it. Love keeps the juices flowing, and the romance alive.
4. Maintain your courting habits.
Treating your partner better than your dating… Remember you are sweethearts. Touch each other. Sit close to your lover, and gently place your hand on his shoulder, leg, or arm. When you’re in the car, gently touch his shoulder or arm. You will find that your conversation will be warmer and more attentive. If you’re struggling, or ready to forgive each other, facing each other and holding hands can help you feel more positively connected and reassured.
5. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
You can let his bad habits get in the way of you… or you can accept them, and work on them. Did he leave the toothpaste cap on? Buy separate tubes… Does he leave clothes laying around? Ignore them, or take them away, remember how much he has done for you in other ways. Or, make it easier for your partner to satisfy you… keep hampers and clothes racks within easy reach.
6. Concentrate on the positive.
Instead of thinking about the ways he failed you, think about all the positive things about your partner that attracted you in the first place.
7. Breathe when you are angry.
Don’t try to talk when one of you is angry. Take a few minutes to walk around the block, lie down, just get away from each other so you can regroup. A short break will allow you both to stay on track and talk about what’s bothering you instead of accidentally making personal insults that you’ll regret later.
8. Never use your partner’s secrets or weaknesses against them… ever!
What seems trivial, trivial, or cute to you can be serious to your partner. Know what is important to your partner, and don’t talk about it with your friends, mother, his family, anyone! And indeed do not ignore the words to them in a dispute. A loving relationship is one of the most intimate and trustworthy that anyone can have.
9. Think of your partner first.
If you both do this, then you can’t help but win! Remember that first and foremost, before anything else, it’s with you. Keep that in mind and always check to make sure you’re acting like partners, and not competitors or avoiders. You’re in this together, and togetherness is what it’s all about. Say ‘yes’ to your partner as often as possible… go to that sporting event with him, take him out on that golf course because he loves golf, visit his family, make it easier your partner’s life, and hopefully they will. just like you! Mutuality is the key.
10. Respect each other.
Do not scold your partner to anyone, even jokingly! Negative words have a habit of lingering and popping up when things go wrong. When you talk about your spouse, spread your respect and love. Unless your partner is talking about something very sad (job loss, death, etc.) where a smile is inappropriate, look him in the eye and smile while you listen. Your partner will automatically feel more understood and cared for, which will change the emotional level of the conversation. This does not mean staring blankly, but simply looking for a few seconds at a time, to communicate your attention.
11. Find a way to be together again every day.
Figure out what works for both of you … eat meals together, meet for happy hour drinks, skip the TV at night and just lie in the dark, go for a walk around the block, etc. your routine is different. If one of you is traveling, call home at night just to hear their voice. The point is to spend time together every day, just talking or breathing the same air, feeling connected. No matter how crazy you are with work, kids and bills, it’s important to set aside regular time each week for the wedding. Have a “date night” that includes a “state of the union” discussion or go for a walk or drive. Staying connected means that things don’t improve in the fight situation, and you remember how good you were together. Don’t forget to celebrate and appreciate each other. Motivation comes from celebration and appreciation, so if you spend happy time together, you’ll both be more motivated to make your marriage the best it can be.
12. Try to laugh.
If something frustrating happens, try to relieve the tension with a little humor. After a difficult interaction in a store, on the way out, you can say, “That was good.” with a touch of irony. Or, if someone drops something and makes a mess, you can say, “here come the gremlins again” “It’s always a thing” or “It could happen” to turn the tension into craziness. Don’t make fun of your partner, but use the shared humor as a way to say “I know this is hard, but we can get through this.” Your partner will think of you as a comforting and supportive person to go to when there are problems.
13. Use nice surprises.
Try a love note in your partner’s briefcase, post-it with a smiley face under the toilet seat, flowers, plants, cards or balloons for no reason, or an unexpected gentle pat on the back, a hug oa kiss to say “I think good thoughts about you, and I love you.”
14. Remember the Good Times.
“Remember when…” is a great start to a loving conversation. It creates a wonderful feeling to remember what you were like when you were dating, when you got married, when you bought your first house, when you had your first child, when you got that promotion. Reminding yourself of your strong history together is one way to strengthen your bond.
15. Brag to your friends about your spouse’s hearing.
Of course, tell your spouse to their face how much you care, but also make sure to tell your friends, while your spouse is around, what a great man or woman you married. “Harold is very thoughtful. Now he helps me around the house.” Or “Sue is a great mom. She really makes the kids feel loved and she keeps them on track.” Or, “Did you hear? Fred got a big promotion. I’m so proud of him.” Or, “I don’t know what I’d do without Judy. She’s so good with money.” Or, “Doesn’t my sweetie look great today? I’m so lucky.” Don’t worry if your partner seems shy. He will be happy too, and remember your brag for a long time.
Remember… the more you put into your relationship, the more you get! Make love and romance a part of your everyday life!
Adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working on it Together https://tinyurl.com/ycvrckus
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